Bad Moms

[With apologies, this review is just for all the moms out there.]

***

Why is it relevant?

Themes of separation and divorce / adultery / empowerment / life journey / “midlife” crisis / self realization / finding oneself / feel good comedy

***

You’re Amy Mitchell.  I’m Amy Mitchell.  We are all living Amy Mitchell lives.  We work hard everyday and are underappreciated and underpaid at our jobs.  We are struggling with our children, spending all our free time ferrying them between school and sports and enriching activities.  We prepare balanced, nutritious meals.  We keep meticulous houses.  We often deal with zoned out spouses who don’t carry a fair load of the responsibilities at home.  We don’t spend enough time taking care of ourselves.  And worst of all, we endure all this under intense judgement from our peers, other moms. 

Amy Mitchell takes a stand and says “Enough”.  And its time that you do too. 

***

Can You Really Have It All?

We meet Amy just when her life begins to fall apart.  She is treading water with her busy schedule.  She is working far more hours than she is supposed to, pulling a full time job on a part-time wage. She does her kids homework and is frustrated with juggling to meet the parenting needs of one child who is a Type A achiever and another who is a slacker.  She cooks perfect meals that no one seems to notice.  She fits in one exercise class a week as her “me time” and gets no real joy or benefit from it.  She married when she was twenty and has a spouse who has not really grown up alongside her. 

She feels growing resentment in particular to Gwendolyn, the Head of the schools PTA.  An affluent, overbearing, judgmental perfectionist, who has mastered the art of passive aggressively bullying the other moms and even the staff of the school to her bidding.

Amy catches her husband participating in an “online activity” with another woman and he admits that it has been going on for 10 months.  Hurt, she kicks him out.

The next day is her breaking point.  Everything that could go wrong goes wrong.  Mishap and disaster pile up upon each other.  Finally, after arriving late for a PTA meeting, Gwendolyn attempts to recruit Amy to help police and enforce the overly strict rules of the upcoming bake sale, Amy does the one thing that not one other person has dared to do before.  She says “no”.  

R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

This sets off a rash of sensibly standing up herself.  She insists her kids make their own breakfasts and do their own homework.  She starts pulling in just the hours she has to at work.  She shows up at the bakesale with store-bought donut holes.  She befriends two other misfit mothers, Kiki, a frazzled, sweater set wearing mom with four young children and a domineering husband, and Carla a wild, oversharing, libidinous single mom.  Most importantly, Amy begins to loose up and live a bit of the life she missed out on because she married and had children so young. 

Her clashes with Gwendolyn and her ex lead her to attempt to run for the PTA and into the arms of someone new.  The road to her new self is rocky and difficult, not just for herself but for everyone around her.  But it is a journey that she must take and in the end a correct one for her.  She emerges empowered enough to express herself and her needs and to earn the respect of those around her to live her life on her own terms. 

***

The takeaway from this movie is not just that mothers feel enormous pressure from those around them to do everything and be everything – the worst pressure actually comes from within.  We need to give ourselves a break and once we do that, it becomes easier to demand that others give us a break as well.  Not only can we be overly critical of ourselves, but we often project that criticism onto other Mom’s and perpetuate a cycle of stress and dissatisfaction.  We need to stop and recognized that everyone is experiencing their own difficult journeys, sometimes alone, frequently in silence. 

So please DO:

• Make a friend like Carla
• Give yourself a break
• Stop trying to do everything
• Give another mom who may seem lonely a hug or a positive statement
• Buy yourself a pretty bra
• Get out there and find someone nice to show that bra to
• Drink some cheap wine with a friend
• Bring store bought goods to the bake sale
• HAVE FUN

Please STOP:

• Doing your kid’s homework (Seriously, you did your time, why are you repeating it?)
• Being critical to yourself – it is true when they say you are your own worst enemy
• Being critical to others – no one is the perfect mother, we’re all trying our best to get through this the best way we can
• Crying alone in your car.  I did it, a sacred haven where the kids couldn’t see.  I bet you have too.  Find someone to talk to
• Allowing yourself to be bullied, or worse, controlled – life is short, no one has to put up with another’s inability to sort their own issues
• Wasting your time on what you should do if it doesn’t bring you joy.  I’m not talking chores here, we still gotta do those.  But an exercise class, language class or other activity that is making you miserable can easily be replaced with something you like better
• Being the work martyr.  If you are pulling in hours that no one else is doing, step away from the desk and run.  Your kids and your life need you more.

Mila Kunis is highly empathetic as an overworked, frazzled mom.  Kathryn Hahn is a barrel of outrageous laughs.  Kristen Bell plays the huggable Kiki, who starts out so meek and quiet and awesomely finds her voice in the end and pulls it together.  The two moms I related to the most were Amy and Kiki; they both reflected much of my own personal experiences.  You’ll need Kleenex for the interviews with the actresses and their real life mothers during the final credits. 

Surprisingly, this movie was written by men. 

Who would enjoy this movie?

Let’s face It – this movie is for moms.  Of course if you’re wondering what you're missing if you’re not a mother, you may enjoy it. There is considerable swearing and references to drugs and alcohol and sex, so not the best kiddie movie.  This is one for you and your mom friends and a big pitcher of sangria.

Healing Factor:

Five out of Five Donut Holes.

Bad Moms

Bad Moms, 2016. Directed by Jon Lucas and Scott Moore.  Mila Kunis, Kathryn Hahn, Kristen Bell, Christina Applegate

For more info on the movie: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt4651520/

Maggie's Plan

Why is it relevant?

Break up of a marriage through adultery / story told from "other woman" perspective / themes of reconciliation

Maggie has a plan.  So many plans. 

Maggie, a child of flaky academics, she learned from an early age to be the responsible one.  She has come to manage her life by carefully laid out plans.  However, there are sayings about best laid plans and, when it comes to the most important one that she will ever make, she will learn her lessons the hard way.

Now well into her thirties, Maggie has come to the realization that she has never managed to have a relationship for longer than six months and wanting a child, she’s just going to have to take a deep breath and take the plunge on her own. 

Months in advance, she makes a deal with an old school acquaintance, an friend who on the surface seems like perfect genetic father material.  He’s an intelligent math major who followed his heart to be an artisanal pickle maker.  As a bonus, he is quite happy to walk away after the “donation” is made; no messy ends and complicated relationships to cloud her happy dreams.  They set a date a few months down the road to give her a little more time to prepare.  All seems ready to go but into her life walks John. 

John is an intellectual free spirit.  He’s trapped in a marriage with a more successful, icy wife and two apathetic preteens.  His wife is Type A, he’s a flaky aspiring novelist.  In the same field, they frequently engage in public debates where they have more saucy interaction than at home where he is largely ignored. 

John and Maggie are accidently thrown together due to an accounting error at the small college where they both work.  He begins to approach her for her opinions on his writing.  He sees in her the emotional support and warmth that he is lacking in his home life.  These growing emotions culminate in his showing up at her door on the very night of her planned baby’s conception to declare his love for her and his desire to be the father of her child.

When the "Other Woman" wants to give him back.

The movie skips ahead three years later.  Maggie had her child, the daughter that she always dreamed of.  But she also has taken on the task of co-parenting John’s other children, a heavy burden given how busy John and his ex-wife are.  And then there’s John himself. Always focussed on his book or his ex-wife’s career dramas, he is yet another “child” in her life to manage.  There is little space and time for Maggie to devote to herself and her own career and her life is spinning out of control.  The more that she spends time with John, the more that she realizes that she doesn’t really love him. She’s fond of him, yes, but he really hadn’t been part of the original intended story that she had scripted for herself and resents being so fully drowned in the tides of his own oblivious sea. 

Maggie notices that he and his ex-wife are on the phone with each other all day long.  The old co-dependency that they had evolved to cope with the difficulties surrounding their respective careers and children never went away and Maggie recognizes that underlying all of this is a deep-seeded love and reliance that remains unspoken between them.  And so Maggie concocts her most daring plan yet.  She will get her husband and his ex-wife back together. 

At first, Maggie sees her most obvious ally as John’s ex-wife.  Georgette has furthered her already hot career on Maggie’s back, making coin off her new-found tragic, bitter, scorned first wife role.  A little trepidatious about her initial face to face contact, Maggie actually finds Georgette surprisingly more approachable than anticipated and manages to make an opportunity to sit down and discuss her plan with her. At first Georgette is understandably insulted and enraged.  Even though Maggie did not actively seek out John’s affections, Georgette sees her as the primary cause of the destruction of her marriage and family unit.  She accuses Maggie of using John for her fun and then casting him away when she was done.  A few days later though, still in love with John, Georgette calls up Maggie and admits to being “in”.

With the help of Georgette and Maggie’s closest friends, the plan is set in place.  Scenarios are set up to get him together with his former wife in very wild “coincidences”.  Even nature plays a helping hand to make the plan a seeming success.  Everything falls apart, however, when John realizes that he is being gamed. To Maggie’s surprise, he’s emotionally deeper than he seemed.  Emotional chaos abounds and everyone deals with the disaster of the fallen plan in their own way.

***

It is not common but also not unprecedented for ex-spouses to reunite.  I personally know a few people that have remarried ex-spouses.  Far easier is the trap of relying on your former spouse like an old shoe.  Habits and familiarity can be hard to break and with a former spouse, you have the comfort level of knowing what to expect and the type of support that you can rely on from that former partner.  It is certainly an interesting twist to have this reconciliation premeditated from the woman who was the cause of the split in the first place.  Maggie, however, is not a standard villain - she is the ordinary girl next door who, in the one moment of her life that she allowed herself lived with abandon, fell into a life that was not one she had hoped for herself nor for those she loved and her precarious plan is an earnest and heart-felt one to set things right. 

This movie is charming and funny with very engaging and relatable characters.  It manages to take its cake of seriousness and ice it with plenty of silly and intellectual gags.  Academics in particular may appreciate the gentle pokes at their normally serious intellectual and aesthetic world.  All the cast members dip into roles that they play best – Greta Gerwig is her usual adorkable self, Ethan Hawke is a gentle yet manic free-spirit, Maya Rudolph pretty much invented acerbic no-nonsense best-friendom and Julianne Moore takes on the comfortable skin of icy anxiety and just-under-the-surface pain.  And there’s a fun little twist at the end that hints the Universe may have been playing Maggie for a planning fool for a lot longer than she suspected.  Life is messy and this movie endearingly demonstrates just how difficult it truly is to set things in stone.

This is a watchable movie with little in the way of swearing and only a brief moment of some very mild nudity.  It could be easily watched with your older child, parents or friends and should most definitely be watched on your comfiest couch, under your coziest blanket with a glass of wine.  It’s a real shame that this smart little movie had only a limited release.

I just want to add that Ethan Hawke has been hitting things out of the ballpark lately with some fantastic career choices.  Boyhood, Maggie’s Plan and, most especially, Born to be Blue have all been excellent films and whether he has been center stage or not with these movies, his performances have been solid, emotionally complex and relatable. 

Who would like this movie?

Older divorcees, single parents, working moms, co-parents, remarried divorcees, those who have dealt with adultery, professionals

Healing Factor:

Five out of Five Pickles

Maggie's Plan

Maggie's Plan,  2015. Directed by Rebecca Miller. Greta Gerwig, Ethan Hawke, Julianne Moore, Maya Rudolph.

For more info on the movie: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt3471098/?ref_=nv_sr_1

Hello, My Name is Doris

Why is it relevant?

Rediscovery - reinvention - starting life over - sudden change - late in life change -

falling in love again - finding yourself

***

It can be very easy to get lost when your world revolves around another person.  Days become weeks, weeks become years, years become decades and before you know it, a lifetime has passed you by in the blink of an eye.  Whether you have spent a significant amount of time carrying for a loved one or trapped in a stagnant marriage, being set free by a sudden death or divorce can set you adrift, lost and unsure of who you are or what you are supposed to do.

Such is the case with our protagonist, Doris.  Doris abandoned a potential marriage in her youth in order to spend decades caring for an ill mother. And this caretaker role was so consuming that everything else in her life continued to be put on the backburner. She has stood still for decades while the world has passed her by.  She is one of the longest serving employees in her company, surviving an acquisition that saw others let go.  Her home becomes buried under the increased possessions of herself and her mother.  She continues to wear the same style of clothes that would have been fashionable in her youth. 

The movie opens after the death of her mother, during her funeral and wake.  Shortly after, Doris attends a self-help seminar with her friends with the usual shiny white toothed guru spewing tired, reworded mantras.  Doris is open and receptive to the charm and messages.  She begins to tentatively open her eyes to all the possibilities that life has to offer.

By all respects Doris has earned her freedom, earned her right to live her life to the fullest, but she has been stuck in a rut.  It’s the same old house, same old routines, same old friend, same old job.  There is a huge void in her life that she does not know how to fill.  Her life has been so devoted to the care of her mother that she has forgotten who she is and she’s unsure just how to make change happen for herself.

Doris’ salvation and awakening is spurred by the entrance of the much younger, ever-so-dapper, charming and confident John.  From the very moment they first meet on a crowded elevator, Doris is a giddy, clumsy, school girl. She fantasizes about their encounters, informed by the romance novels she enjoys, to imagine herself in all sorts of racy and exotic scenarios with him.  Her fantasy life gets the better of her and, with the help of her best friend’s social media savvy granddaughter, she creates a fake media account to get to know him better.  Of course this cyberstalking, while successful at first, leads her down the road of painfully awkward interactions with the man of her dreams. 

She manages to plant herself in social situations that increase her chances of running into him, opening herself up to a life and all the possibilities that she was denied over her lifetime. She attends rock concerts, considers new restaurants, gets the opportunity to model, attends parties.  She opens up more at work and gets to know her coworkers better.  Change is not slow for Doris and she experiences all of the expected growing pains, including alienating herself from lifelong friends and clashing with her remaining family.

Her consuming love and obsession with John culminates in a horribly cringe-worthy object lesson.  Maybe led on by all the romance novels that she has read over her lifetime or just her inexperience in dealing romantically with the ultimate sex causes her to misread John’s overtures of friendship as something more and her growing obsession leads to blinding jealousy that causes her to behave in an inappropriate manner.  The fantasy comes crashing down around her and it causes her to grow up. 

This newfound maturity brings change.  She finally sees the necessity to abandon the life she had been living before her mother’s death.  It had been a prison to which she continued to voluntarily commit herself.  She begins to slowly let go of the traps of her past.  She embraces her new life and re-establishes the lost connections of friends that she lost in the process of rediscovering herself.  She quits the miserable job and agrees to move to a new fresh start. 

It can be very difficult to see but this type of profound loss, whether from death or divorce, can be a gift, especially when you have been consumed and lost into that relationship.  If your life has been put on hold in caring for another or if you have lost the person you used to be while deep within the confines of a long term marriage, you have the opportunity to revisit who you were or to reinvent yourself. The freedom to spread your wings is the invitation to embrace not only the changes that have been thrust upon you but to also shake up other avenues of your life that have been long stagnant or unexplored.

I’m pretty sure that actually stalking someone is not the best approach, let’s start our new lives without criminal records.  But certainly get out there and make some new friendships, especially with people who are radically different from you.  You may be pleasantly surprised where some of those friendships take you.  Quitting your job might also not be the best solution, especially if you are close to retirement anyways; at least do not burn bridges while you do it.  If you can afford a career change or retirement, go for it, but even if you quit, keep those connections to your old career tidy and keep your pension/retirement funds secure.  Want to shake up your closet?  Go for it!  Want to try new foods?  Yum!  Want to check out a concert geared towards the younger generation?  You’ll be surprised how many other older folks may be there.  Take that trip you’ve always imagined doing?  Book your tickets! Do what intrigues you, but do it with a sensible head on your shoulders.  Please do stay away from self-help seminars though; back away from the tacky inspirational sayings and low budget DVDs.  Spend your hard earned dollars on life instead!

One issue that I found a little odd in the movie was the insistence that Doris was a “Hoarder” and that her home was “disgusting”.  Yes, Doris and her mother liked to collect things, and certainly most surfaces were covered in clutter, but I’m not sure that she really met the full definition of “hoarder”.  You could easily move about in her place, cook food, eat and relax.  She most definitely liked to give previously loved items a new home, and she did use the help of personal declutter/counsellor to help her to dispose and sort out the belongs that she had but I’m feeling that the movies definition and reality are two far removed things. 

Overall, this movie is cute and funny.  Sally Field carries the awkward and dorky Doris well, creating a relatable character that could otherwise be a little creepy or sad.  There are a lot of reasons to pity Doris, but it is a fun ride to watch her develop as a person and come into her own.  Tyne Daly shines as Doris’ curmudgeonly best friend, Roz.  There chemistry between Doris and John is very strong and believable.

Who would relate to this movie? 

Caretakers, older divorcees, divorcees after long term marriages, working women, introverts.

***

Healing Factor:

Three out of Four Hair Bows

Hello, My Name is Doris, 2015.  Directed by Michael Showalter.  Starring Sally Field, Max Greenfield, Tyne Daly, Wendy Anne McLendon.

Hello, My Name is Doris Trailer

True Sadness - Avett Brothers

Well, I’ll sign on the line beneath my name, the road is gone, can’t go back the way we came

Divorce Separation Blues

There is perhaps no genre of music that conveys better the heartache of lost love than country music.  Beyond the most obvious classic, that old Tammy Wynette standby, D-I-V-O-R-C-E, many country music standards focus on heartbreak, loss of love and the end of marriage.  To the point it’s cliché and frequently joked about. You’ve heard it, “my life is a country song: my truck broke down, my dog died, my wife left me”.  The simple melodies, plaintiff crooning, guitars and slide guitars, the music’s very soul embraces the experience of divorce like a velvet glove.

Adding richly to this tradition is True Sadness, an album of songs by The Avett Brothers.  A seamless fusion of country, bluegrass, rockabilly and pop, this record was borne out of the sadness of a marriage lost and the happiness of a new love found.  It could be tempting to sink into intense melancholy, but many of the songs on the album are actually fairly peppy and upbeat, creating a listenable, road-trip worthy album, despite the pain that is sometimes conveyed when listening closely to the lyrics.  There is not a lot of bitterness or anger in the songs dealing with the divorce.  These songs touch upon regret, lingering love, tenderness and regret but also acceptance. 

Themes of travelling are dense in the lyrics to the songs of the albums, especially those of sailing, apt as divorce is a particularly turbulent journey to undertake across choppy seas with its literal waves of emotions.  To take port on the other side, one emerges new and wiser and there is a quality and sense of wisdom gained in these songs. In No Hard Feelings in particular, there is an emphasis towards how unconstructive bitterness and angry words can be, that it is better to move forward remembering the love and the good times. 

There are plenty of solid tunes on this album that make a solid contribution to the heartbreak genre but also a celebration to moving on and finding new love.  This is an album that will serve you well through all the transitions of your divorce journey, from initial breakup, dealing with all the damned paperwork and negotiations, right on to forging a new life of your own and finding new love.

Will my hands be steady
When I lay down my fears
My hopes and my doubts
The rings on my fingers and the keys to my house
With no hard feelings?

No Hard Feelings

* * *

No Hard Feelings

Healing Factor:

4 out of 5 Guitars.