Why is it relevant?
Post-divorce family dynamics and
single-motherhood. Children of divorce. Journey of self-discovery. Starting
Over. Sudden life changes and the challenges of coping with change. Embracing
change. Financial adversity. Remarriage. Step-parents. Adolescence. Coming of
age after divorce.
* * *
This weekend I spent my time much as I have spent
a lot of my free time this summer, cleaning, sorting and packing as we prepare
to fix up our marital home and put it on the market. I never imagined when we
bought this house seven years ago that I would ever leave it. After a lifetime
of moving, it had felt as if I had found my "forever" home and the
roots of attachment for my children and myself run deep. This is not an easy
task emotionally. Each and every item in this home, every square inch of this
house, records a memory. It is amazing how many
instants spring to mind, the laughter, the hugs, the tears and fights, long
forgotten until I look upon or touch that cup, this memento, that blanket.
Sometimes it is overwhelming and I stop after just a few boxes. This task has served to be a
reminder of life as an archive of moments. Culturally, through literature and
film, we are trained to anticipate that life should be a story, have a
direction, a logical progression from beginning to end with key plot points
that move our lives forward and define who we are. Life is supposed to have
some sort of meaning or purpose that can be gleaned when we look upon it in
retrospect. In reality, our lives are lived in the very moment that exists
right now and, while there is indeed a beginning and an end, the middle is a
muddled jumble with little direction or focus. It all just kind of happens.
Boyhood is a brave movie both in execution and
subject, focussing an unblinking eye at the minutiae of life as experienced
during the school years of a boy surviving the turbulent reality of post-divorce
childhood and adolescence. Shot in "real" time, the actors progress
in age as the film advances. Despite the name and main intent of the film, the
lives and experiences of his sister and his parents, especially his mother,
often frequently share centre stage, for families are the sum of all its parts
and in a family each person shares and shapes the moments with differing
narratives and perspectives. There is no sharp story here, no real plot line.
Just a sequential progression of time in captured moments.
This movie in no way attempts to indulge in the
fantasy of the nice clothes, fancy homes with tasteful decor, nights on
the town drinking cocktails while the children get in precocious trouble. There
is no happy ending, there is no tragic ending. There is no ending at all, just
another moment. This movie is reality in all its mundane, ordinary, messy
glory. The family portrayed quietly spends their lives endlessly moving from
home to home as the mother attempts to forge a better life for herself and her
children. The children are by no means perfect, often getting in trouble in
school and at home. But they are okay. They stumble through their ordeals with
good or bad results, and continue on with their lives. The movie doesn't fall
for the trope of the bad father (although the stepfathers are not treated so
kindly). While absent for a short portion of his children's early life, their
father makes a serious effort to re-establish a connection and be involved and
often provides an oasis of calmness for his kids. Abuse, alcoholism, drugs,
depression, and financial insecurity are all touched upon starkly with no
filters as a reminder that, for a better or for worse, it is all a part of
life, dogearred corners in the overall story, this collection of moments that is our
lives.
This is life lived. A mother's journey as seen
through the eyes of her son. He is a witness of frequently dashed hopes, of
forward and backward steps, all of which have both big and small impacts upon
his life. While the mother goes back to school as a mature student, they never
seem to escape the reality of financial struggle despite the promise that
diploma brings. She falls in love over and over and chooses to expose her
children to both the joy and pain that comes with it. She continually uproots
her children as she follows school, jobs and lovers. She lives her life and
does not protect her children from it. She has no roadmap, no clear distinct plan;
she doesn't know the answers and bravely admits it, exposing her own frailty.
The experiences of her children through this fitful meandering indeed shape
them and despite the adversity they face they are okay. They have each other in
their world, bond closely and intensely, support each other and look out for
each other. Just like their mother, they brazenly make their own choices. They
admit their own fears when they face uncertainty. They stand up for themselves
and learn lessons from the lives their parents lead.
I saw much of myself and my children
mirrored on that screen. We are facing many of the same struggles and
insecurities. But unlike the mother in this film, I have not lived my life
post-divorce bravely. I have stayed in my home far too long, afraid to expose
my children to any sort of instability, trying to maintain their lives as close
to their "normal" for as long as I could. While part of me yearns
very much to return to my childhood home, I remain in a city with no connection
to me for it is the only home my children know. I fear the financial insecurity
of pulling up the roots we have established here to move to a hometown with no
prospects of work and the real prospects of diminished income should I find
work. I have been separated for almost two years now and my children have yet
to meet any of the men I have dated, even when one of those relationships took
the turn for serious, for fear of the very scenarios portrayed in this film. I
have struggled to draft a happy narrative for my children but, through it all,
unexpected dilemmas expose the
weakness of my carefully crafted story and the fragility of it's drafted end. I need to let it go. Let myself live in
the moment. Let myself live life. Let myself succeed. Let myself fail. Allow my
children to witness all of that. Allow my children to live in the moment. These
moments do not belong just to me to steward for them. These moments are theirs
as well. I need to stop worrying about the end result for the future is nothing
more than ethereal fiction made only remotely possible by the reality of this
moment right now.
Favourite quotes:
"You don't want the bumpers. Life doesn't
give you bumpers." Mason, Sr.
"Yeah, I know, it’s constant, the moments,
it’s just, it’s like it’s always right now, you know?" Mason, Jr.
"I just thought there would be more."
Mom
Healing Factor:
5 out of 5 Moments in Time.
Boyhood, 2014. Directed by Richard Linklater.
Patricia Arquette, Ethan Hawke, Ellar Coltrane, Lorelei Linklater.
For more info on the movie: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1065073/?ref_=ttfc_fc_tt
