Boyhood

Why is it relevant?

Post-divorce family dynamics and single-motherhood. Children of divorce. Journey of self-discovery. Starting Over. Sudden life changes and the challenges of coping with change. Embracing change. Financial adversity. Remarriage. Step-parents. Adolescence. Coming of age after divorce.

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This weekend I spent my time much as I have spent a lot of my free time this summer, cleaning, sorting and packing as we prepare to fix up our marital home and put it on the market. I never imagined when we bought this house seven years ago that I would ever leave it. After a lifetime of moving, it had felt as if I had found my "forever" home and the roots of attachment for my children and myself run deep. This is not an easy task emotionally. Each and every item in this home, every square inch of this house, records a memory. It is amazing how many instants spring to mind, the laughter, the hugs, the tears and fights, long forgotten until I look upon or touch that cup, this memento, that blanket. Sometimes it is overwhelming and I stop after just a few boxes. This task has served to be a reminder of life as an archive of moments. Culturally, through literature and film, we are trained to anticipate that life should be a story, have a direction, a logical progression from beginning to end with key plot points that move our lives forward and define who we are. Life is supposed to have some sort of meaning or purpose that can be gleaned when we look upon it in retrospect. In reality, our lives are lived in the very moment that exists right now and, while there is indeed a beginning and an end, the middle is a muddled jumble with little direction or focus. It all just kind of happens.

Boyhood is a brave movie both in execution and subject, focussing an unblinking eye at the minutiae of life as experienced during the school years of a boy surviving the turbulent reality of post-divorce childhood and adolescence. Shot in "real" time, the actors progress in age as the film advances. Despite the name and main intent of the film, the lives and experiences of his sister and his parents, especially his mother, often frequently share centre stage, for families are the sum of all its parts and in a family each person shares and shapes the moments with differing narratives and perspectives. There is no sharp story here, no real plot line. Just a sequential progression of time in captured moments.

This movie in no way attempts to indulge in the fantasy of the nice clothes, fancy homes with tasteful decor, nights on the town drinking cocktails while the children get in precocious trouble. There is no happy ending, there is no tragic ending. There is no ending at all, just another moment. This movie is reality in all its mundane, ordinary, messy glory. The family portrayed quietly spends their lives endlessly moving from home to home as the mother attempts to forge a better life for herself and her children. The children are by no means perfect, often getting in trouble in school and at home. But they are okay. They stumble through their ordeals with good or bad results, and continue on with their lives. The movie doesn't fall for the trope of the bad father (although the stepfathers are not treated so kindly). While absent for a short portion of his children's early life, their father makes a serious effort to re-establish a connection and be involved and often provides an oasis of calmness for his kids. Abuse, alcoholism, drugs, depression, and financial insecurity are all touched upon starkly with no filters as a reminder that, for a better or for worse, it is all a part of life, dogearred corners in the overall story, this collection of moments that is our lives.

This is life lived. A mother's journey as seen through the eyes of her son. He is a witness of frequently dashed hopes, of forward and backward steps, all of which have both big and small impacts upon his life. While the mother goes back to school as a mature student, they never seem to escape the reality of financial struggle despite the promise that diploma brings. She falls in love over and over and chooses to expose her children to both the joy and pain that comes with it. She continually uproots her children as she follows school, jobs and lovers. She lives her life and does not protect her children from it. She has no roadmap, no clear distinct plan; she doesn't know the answers and bravely admits it, exposing her own frailty. The experiences of her children through this fitful meandering indeed shape them and despite the adversity they face they are okay. They have each other in their world, bond closely and intensely, support each other and look out for each other. Just like their mother, they brazenly make their own choices. They admit their own fears when they face uncertainty. They stand up for themselves and learn lessons from the lives their parents lead.

I saw much of myself and my children mirrored on that screen. We are facing many of the same struggles and insecurities. But unlike the mother in this film, I have not lived my life post-divorce bravely. I have stayed in my home far too long, afraid to expose my children to any sort of instability, trying to maintain their lives as close to their "normal" for as long as I could. While part of me yearns very much to return to my childhood home, I remain in a city with no connection to me for it is the only home my children know. I fear the financial insecurity of pulling up the roots we have established here to move to a hometown with no prospects of work and the real prospects of diminished income should I find work. I have been separated for almost two years now and my children have yet to meet any of the men I have dated, even when one of those relationships took the turn for serious, for fear of the very scenarios portrayed in this film. I have struggled to draft a happy narrative for my children but, through it all, unexpected dilemmas expose the weakness of my carefully crafted story and the fragility of it's drafted end. I need to let it go. Let myself live in the moment. Let myself live life. Let myself succeed. Let myself fail. Allow my children to witness all of that. Allow my children to live in the moment. These moments do not belong just to me to steward for them. These moments are theirs as well. I need to stop worrying about the end result for the future is nothing more than ethereal fiction made only remotely possible by the reality of this moment right now.

 

Favourite quotes:

"You don't want the bumpers. Life doesn't give you bumpers." Mason, Sr.

"Yeah, I know, it’s constant, the moments, it’s just, it’s like it’s always right now, you know?" Mason, Jr.

"I just thought there would be more." Mom

Healing Factor:

5 out of 5 Moments in Time.

Boyhood, 2014. Directed by Richard Linklater. Patricia Arquette, Ethan Hawke, Ellar Coltrane, Lorelei Linklater.

For more info on the movie: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1065073/?ref_=ttfc_fc_tt