It's Complicated

Why is it relevant?

Movie about long-term divorcee, journey of discovery, relationships with exes.

This is a movie I regret dismissing as just another romcom chick flick when it did its run in the theatres.  I was still married during it's release although things were beginning to get pretty rocky.  It involved divorced, 50-something characters, something completely unrelatable to my then married, late 30-something, thick-in-childrearing self.   It was promoted as a "chick flick", a genre that is amongst my least favorites, even though I'm a "chick".  And Alec Baldwin.  Sigh.  Don't get me started on Alec Baldwin.

I should have given this movie a chance and, if you haven't seen it yet, you should as well.

Everybody thinks about it

This movie follows Jane Adler (Meryl Streep), a ten year divorcee, who's all together in every aspect except her dismal love life.  She has a three grown children all about to celebrate major life milestones of their own, the type of life events that throw long distant, divorced parents together.  She has a successful elegant bakery.  Instead of typical post-emptynest downsizing, she's adding to her home, introducing her to a handsome architect (Steve Martin).  And she has a narcissistic, exuberant, impulsive ex-husband, Jake (Alec Baldwin) who married the much, much younger woman he cheated on her with.  Of course, he's charming.  They always are.  He's so charming, he manages to get the better of her and lure our poor Jane back into his arms once more.  As she wrestles with her guilt and her past hurt, he assures her that everyone thinks about it, they're doing nothing more than taking it a step further.  It becomes more and more complicated as Jake appears to see the follies of his ways, realizing that he might have been much happier staying with Jane and his family instead of leaving for his "child" bride, Agnes (Lake Bell).  Jake pursues Jane aggressively, causing much comedic turmoil for our sweet relatable Jane.  

Of course everyone thinks about it.  It doesn't matter how bitter or acrimonious your breakup may be.  There is always that faint shadow in the back of your mind that questions whether or not you did the right thing.  There was a reason you fell in love in the first place and no matter how much you changed over the course of your relationship or what happened to get you into divorce court, those little seeds sit somewhere in your gut, your heart, your soul.  Or sometimes in the dark of night, when you're alone and have been so for a long time, you may question was it really that bad.  You struggle with the temptation of picking up the phone.  Everyone thinks about it.  This movie lets you indulge in the fantasy.  And deluge you with a humorous shower of reality.

Sugary Pastry Fantasy / Hot Reality Messes

Things kind of start out nice for Jake and Jane, it's that old adage about comfortable shoes after all.  The chemistry is still there, they know each others tics and habits, know just how to connect and love each other.  But for Jane, the sting of a bitter, cliched betrayal is still there.  It had left her a emotional wreck and is something she is still grappling with all these years later.  Making things even more complicated is the sudden appearance of a possible new love interest after she had given up any hope for romance.  She revels with her girlfriends with a smug satisfaction of being the "other woman" to the woman who had broken up her marriage in the first place, but in actuality wrestles with the reality of being that kind of person.  Her children were deeply impacted by the divorce in the first place and despite the fact they are grown and starting lives of their own, are likely to still be confused and torn apart by their own conflicted feelings about their parents.  It's all so much the sunshine of the moment joy, happiness and sexual connection which just can't quite dispel the dark clouds of emotion and drama when they are not together.

***

I'd highly recommend this movie to anyone at any stage of their divorce, especially if in need of a  few good laughs because, let's face it, you probably need more than a few good laughs.  This movie caught me off guard with it's intelligence and, despite the fact that the fantasy component was high (the movie revolves around late babyboomers with high incomes, fancy houses and perfect children), the emotional component was very real and believable and touched upon with a lot of sensitivity.  You feel for the characters: our sweet, kind Jane (played a little too preciously by Meryl), her children, her emotionally damaged love interest, man-child Jake who makes regrettable mess after mess in his life but who can't seem to stop.  You are probably one of these characters, or I can guarantee you have at least half a dozen friends who are.  This maybe a good one to watch alone, as a date movie or with a group of friends.  Not a good one with kids as there is some minor drug use portrayed.  

Healing Factor:

4 out of 5 Chocolate Croissants.

It's Complicated,  2009. Directed by Nancy Meyers. Meryl Streep, Alec Baldwin, Steve Martin.

For more info on the movie: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1230414/?ref_=nv_sr_1

Boyhood

Why is it relevant?

Post-divorce family dynamics and single-motherhood. Children of divorce. Journey of self-discovery. Starting Over. Sudden life changes and the challenges of coping with change. Embracing change. Financial adversity. Remarriage. Step-parents. Adolescence. Coming of age after divorce.

* * *

This weekend I spent my time much as I have spent a lot of my free time this summer, cleaning, sorting and packing as we prepare to fix up our marital home and put it on the market. I never imagined when we bought this house seven years ago that I would ever leave it. After a lifetime of moving, it had felt as if I had found my "forever" home and the roots of attachment for my children and myself run deep. This is not an easy task emotionally. Each and every item in this home, every square inch of this house, records a memory. It is amazing how many instants spring to mind, the laughter, the hugs, the tears and fights, long forgotten until I look upon or touch that cup, this memento, that blanket. Sometimes it is overwhelming and I stop after just a few boxes. This task has served to be a reminder of life as an archive of moments. Culturally, through literature and film, we are trained to anticipate that life should be a story, have a direction, a logical progression from beginning to end with key plot points that move our lives forward and define who we are. Life is supposed to have some sort of meaning or purpose that can be gleaned when we look upon it in retrospect. In reality, our lives are lived in the very moment that exists right now and, while there is indeed a beginning and an end, the middle is a muddled jumble with little direction or focus. It all just kind of happens.

Boyhood is a brave movie both in execution and subject, focussing an unblinking eye at the minutiae of life as experienced during the school years of a boy surviving the turbulent reality of post-divorce childhood and adolescence. Shot in "real" time, the actors progress in age as the film advances. Despite the name and main intent of the film, the lives and experiences of his sister and his parents, especially his mother, often frequently share centre stage, for families are the sum of all its parts and in a family each person shares and shapes the moments with differing narratives and perspectives. There is no sharp story here, no real plot line. Just a sequential progression of time in captured moments.

This movie in no way attempts to indulge in the fantasy of the nice clothes, fancy homes with tasteful decor, nights on the town drinking cocktails while the children get in precocious trouble. There is no happy ending, there is no tragic ending. There is no ending at all, just another moment. This movie is reality in all its mundane, ordinary, messy glory. The family portrayed quietly spends their lives endlessly moving from home to home as the mother attempts to forge a better life for herself and her children. The children are by no means perfect, often getting in trouble in school and at home. But they are okay. They stumble through their ordeals with good or bad results, and continue on with their lives. The movie doesn't fall for the trope of the bad father (although the stepfathers are not treated so kindly). While absent for a short portion of his children's early life, their father makes a serious effort to re-establish a connection and be involved and often provides an oasis of calmness for his kids. Abuse, alcoholism, drugs, depression, and financial insecurity are all touched upon starkly with no filters as a reminder that, for a better or for worse, it is all a part of life, dogearred corners in the overall story, this collection of moments that is our lives.

This is life lived. A mother's journey as seen through the eyes of her son. He is a witness of frequently dashed hopes, of forward and backward steps, all of which have both big and small impacts upon his life. While the mother goes back to school as a mature student, they never seem to escape the reality of financial struggle despite the promise that diploma brings. She falls in love over and over and chooses to expose her children to both the joy and pain that comes with it. She continually uproots her children as she follows school, jobs and lovers. She lives her life and does not protect her children from it. She has no roadmap, no clear distinct plan; she doesn't know the answers and bravely admits it, exposing her own frailty. The experiences of her children through this fitful meandering indeed shape them and despite the adversity they face they are okay. They have each other in their world, bond closely and intensely, support each other and look out for each other. Just like their mother, they brazenly make their own choices. They admit their own fears when they face uncertainty. They stand up for themselves and learn lessons from the lives their parents lead.

I saw much of myself and my children mirrored on that screen. We are facing many of the same struggles and insecurities. But unlike the mother in this film, I have not lived my life post-divorce bravely. I have stayed in my home far too long, afraid to expose my children to any sort of instability, trying to maintain their lives as close to their "normal" for as long as I could. While part of me yearns very much to return to my childhood home, I remain in a city with no connection to me for it is the only home my children know. I fear the financial insecurity of pulling up the roots we have established here to move to a hometown with no prospects of work and the real prospects of diminished income should I find work. I have been separated for almost two years now and my children have yet to meet any of the men I have dated, even when one of those relationships took the turn for serious, for fear of the very scenarios portrayed in this film. I have struggled to draft a happy narrative for my children but, through it all, unexpected dilemmas expose the weakness of my carefully crafted story and the fragility of it's drafted end. I need to let it go. Let myself live in the moment. Let myself live life. Let myself succeed. Let myself fail. Allow my children to witness all of that. Allow my children to live in the moment. These moments do not belong just to me to steward for them. These moments are theirs as well. I need to stop worrying about the end result for the future is nothing more than ethereal fiction made only remotely possible by the reality of this moment right now.

 

Favourite quotes:

"You don't want the bumpers. Life doesn't give you bumpers." Mason, Sr.

"Yeah, I know, it’s constant, the moments, it’s just, it’s like it’s always right now, you know?" Mason, Jr.

"I just thought there would be more." Mom

Healing Factor:

5 out of 5 Moments in Time.

Boyhood, 2014. Directed by Richard Linklater. Patricia Arquette, Ethan Hawke, Ellar Coltrane, Lorelei Linklater.

For more info on the movie: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1065073/?ref_=ttfc_fc_tt

 

 

Larry Crowne

Why is it relevant?

Journey of self-discovery.  Starting Over.  Sudden life change and the challenges of coping with change.  Embracing change. 

 

* * * 

Remember that cozy, cotton-soft complacency of your life before separation and divorce?  Remember how you used to just get up and function, each day weaving into the next?  Following routines that just seemed to have knotted around you.  Probably not living up to your full potential but lazily carrying on with the easy, predictable warp and weft of being.  Even if your life was a bit rocky or turbulent or unsecure, you probably had just enough comfort to avoid untangeling the thousand and one threads that bound you together.  And then one day you woke up  and everything was unfamiliar, changed.  Much of what made you and defined you was suddenly ripped away and you were faced with the daunting task of creating a new pattern to sort out the tangeled mess that was left behind.

Tom Hanks plays the titular character, Larry Crowne, a divorced navy vet and small time manager in a small time discount shopping centre.  Many might find this life to be limiting, but Larry clearly finds joy and satisfaction in his work.  Larry gets called into a meeting with management one morning, believing that he's going to get yet another employee of the month honour.  Instead, he gets unceremoniously fired, all because he missed out on a college education.

This movie is an celebration of the transformative kick in the pants that many of us face in middle age.  It is especially relevant in today's world as thousands of 40-60 year olds suddenly find themselves unemployed, lacking the relevant skills to adapt to a changing and insecure job market, and increasing numbers are divorcing after years of what seemed like secure marriage and child-rearing.

Shut doors, especially for the post-50 crowd, might be cause for some people to give up.  But not our Larry Crowne.  His neighbour suggests that he go to school, a local community college, and Larry decides to give it a whirl.  Right off the bat he makes friendly with the school dean who recommends that he sign up for the three hardest courses in the school guaranteed to help him succeed in the world of business.  Larry faces financial insecurity, the challenge of pursuing a rudementary education and homelessness, but doesn't let it get him down. Despite expressing reluctance to take some backward steps both career and housing-wise, he manages to find happiness and security when he does so, allowing him to carry on with the business of beginning a new life.

The film's chipper protagonist and his bitter romantic foil are trapped in dead end lives.  A middle aged man whose lack of education means his employability comes to an end.  A woman rapidly approaching middle age whose MA in English and deadbeat husband leads to emotional unhappiness and dissatisfaction.  Every one of us will hit a certain time in our lives when we begin to question the decisions we made that got us to the point that we are in.  Even though the choices may have seemed like solid decisions at the time that we made them, in retrospect it often feels like we have dug ourselves in and there is just no possibility of moving forward.  It can be hard to fathom how many years we have invested in a life that was pret a porter instead of bespoke.  All the alterations we made and snaggled threads we endured to make a life that perhaps wasn't truly ours fit in just the right way.  We need to a live a little on the edge, invest in the quality of our lives, do things that stretch who we are.  There is only so much mending that can be done before it's time to replace the fabric all together.  The task requires removing ourselves from our comfort zone so that we can accept who we have become and embrace all the possibilities of who we can be.  

This movie is a great choice for anyone starting over again mid-life; anyone for whom life has suddenly and unexpectedly kicked to the curb, be it via divorce, downsizing, bankruptcy, homelessness, health crisis or all of the above.  It's a gentle, relatable comedy without too many outrageous flights of fancy; a genuine feel good, affirmative movie.  Walk away from this flick assured that it's okay to take a chance on life, on work, on fulfillment, on ourselves.

Relax.  Take your time to cut the pieces just right.  Design yourself from the bottom up.  Enjoy the process.   Sew yourself back together with love.

Favourite quotes:
  

"Sometimes it comes down to a good haircut."

"I told you how to avoid divorce lawyers.  You get married, and you stay married."

Healing Factor:

4 out of 5 Retro Scooters.

Larry Crowne, 2011. Directed by Tom Hanks.  Tom Hanks, Julia Roberts, Bryan Cranston, Cedric the Entertainer, Taraji P. Henson, Gugu Mbatha-Raw, Wilmer Valderrama, Pam Grier.  Universal Films

For more info on the movie: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1583420/?ref_=nv_sr_1

Divergent

Why is it relevant?

Emergence from difficult circumstances.  Strong female lead.  Personal growth.  Standing apart from the crowd.  Acceptance of ones own attributes and faults.  The importance of family and friends.  Knowing when to stand up.  Empowerment.  Struggles against authority.  Moving forward. Chrysalis/Metamorphosis.  Overcoming adversity.  That which doesn’t break you only makes you stronger.

***

Yet another entry on the teen future dystopia scene.  I had my doubts about the storyline for both the book and the movie.  The world imagined in the story seemed a little weak and odd - when I first heard the synopsis, I wasn’t sure how this society would actually work - but once you immerse yourself into it, it starts to become a little more believable.  

The story follows one Beatrice Prior in a bleak post-war future, set in Chicago.  I lived there for the better part of the early 2000's and it was surreal to see the beautiful city run down and overgrown in the film.  In this stark future, in order to survive, society has divided itself into five distinct factions based on personality type, each with a necessary role to play.  There are the Amity group (peaceful - they do the farming, healing and arts), Erudite (intelligent - they are responsible for science, maintenance of knowledge and progress), Candor (honesty - they are the lawyers), Abnegation (selflessness -they take care of the downtrodden and run the government), and Dauntless (brave - they police and defend the city).  Beatrice is raised in the Abnegation faction.  When the story opens, Beatrice has come of age and is about to be tested to see what faction she should work for for the rest of her life.  Usually, subjects test best for the faction they were raised in, although sometimes the test indicates they may be best suited for another role.  Of course, one is not bound to the test results and if the subject’s heart feels they are meant for a different path than indicated by the test, they are free to chose what they feel is best.  Beatrice and her brother, Caleb, take the test at the same time and both chose different factions from the one they were raised in, strengthening rising suspicion about the Abnegation faction and their ability to be entrusted with running the government. 

Beatrice’s exam reveals that she is “Divergent”, a creative person, who does not fit into any of the five factions.  Individuals such as herself are deemed to be dangerous to society and face grave danger. The person monitoring her test conceals the outcome to save her.  We follow Beatrice’s trials as she struggles to be accepted in her new faction and to prove herself.   She is placed through many physical ordeals in her training and much psychological testing and manipulation takes place to harden her to her new life.  She must live with the secret of who she is and take considerable care to ensure that no one learns of her test results.  Over time, Beatrice begins to realize that there are very sinister threads woven into the carefully crafted structure of the society she lives in which threaten the very world in which she grew up.  As the faction she has chosen becomes a pawn in a deadly game, Beatrice watches those she loves most face immense danger and is forced to come into her own not only for the good of herself and her family but for society as a whole.

The movie glosses over much of the harder violence and trials that Beatrice faces in the novel.  However, both are strong stories of empowerment.  While the protagonist is a young woman, many of the struggles that she faces are just as relevant to a woman in her 20’s, 30’s, 40’s and beyond.  In particular, this story would be very affirming to women emerging from any sort of abusive relationships or who have survived sexual assault.  Even going through the difficulty of a bitter divorce and all the personal conflict and self-doubt it can create can cause internal personal struggles that are very similar to the story. Beatrice, a product of the long standing suppression of the self her faction encourages, learns to stand up to authority (and men); to speak her mind in a world which resolutely discourages it.  She learns to reinvent herself.  She recognizes the importance of being her own person, even when it is a difficult, lonely and brave choice to make.  She overcomes her fears.  She strengthens herself physically and mentally.  She forms strong bonds and friendships which help her to survive and refuses to relinquish her familial ties, despite the pressure to do so.   

A few notes on the movie:  This is one that you can watch with older children.  The book has a stronger Christian bent that was pretty much washed out of the movie and there is mildly more sexual content than you would see in the move.  Since Beatrice joins the faction involved in maintaining and upholding the peace, she trains to be a warrior and there is some violence, mostly hand to hand combat.  Again, the book weighs more heavily in the depiction of the violence she experiences.

Divergent, 2014.  Directed by Neil Burger.  Starring Shailene Woodley, Theo James, Kate Winslet.
Book written by Veronica Roth, 2012.

Healing factor:

5 out of 5 Factions.

For more info on the movie: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1840309/

For more info on the book: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/13335037-divergent

Girl Most Likely

Why is it relevant?

Break up movie.  Struggle for acceptance.  Struggles with post-breakup depression.  Addressing life failures and moving forward.  Matt Dillon.

***

This movie follows Imogene Duncan, a girl who is faking it to make it in the glamorous Big Apple.  She has it all.  A reputation as a hip playwright (without a play to show for it), a cool job, a sexy boyfriend, the very best of friends, and a cool apartment.  A glimpse in the mirror in the opening montage shows she is indeed all that with her well coiffed hair and beautiful clothes.  But her long time boyfriend suddenly and rudely dumps her and her carefully stacked house of cards quickly falls to shambles.

I am pretty certain this movie was intended to be a comedy but it falls short.  The fact that Netflix lists this in both my "drama" and "comedy" queues is pretty telling.  After a faked suicide attempt for attention, poor Imogene is forced to move home to New Jersey with her quirky family, but their eccentricities do little to lighten the overall melancholy.  A bizarre plot twist in the end was actually pretty silly and unnecessary.

Our protagonist is dragged as low as she can possibly go, losing her job, moving in with her mom, losing her apartment, sleeping on her mother’s living room floor, wearing clothes from her high school days (Can life really be that bad when you still fit into your high school clothes?).  Repeated shots of her in the mirror show her rapid decline into depression and inertia.  Hitting rock bottom shows her who she really is deep inside and allows her to take off the mask that she has been wearing.  It’s only then that she finds true success and happiness.  It also shows her that when it really matters, family is the one thing that she can count on to get her through the tough times.  She also finds that her whole family has been wearing it’s own mask and the secret hidden by it turns her life upside down and shows that they way she remembered her childhood was nowhere close to the reality.  

An oft repeated mantra on life and personal growth is “you can’t go home again”.  This movie explores the idea that home is what makes us who we are and sometimes we need to go home and be who we were truly meant to be.  

As an introvert, the person sized Hermit Crab shell her brother invented would be something I would invest top dollar in.  Need a moment to chill out?  Just hop in the shell.  This thing would be perfect in divorce courtrooms, mediation boardrooms, social worker offices and therapy groups.

This movie was passable fair, although it won’t be generous with the laughs if you really need them.  I think a lot of us would relate to Imogene, even if she is a tad whiney and self-indulgent, no matter what stage of our breakups we’re in.  It’s PG-13 so if you’ve got older kids around, you don’t have to wait until they to go to bed to put on this one.  My suggestion would be to watch this when you want a quiet, but not too deep movie, with a little popcorn and a beer.  

Girl Most Likely, 2012. Directed by Shari Springer Berman, Robert Pulcini.  Starring Kristen Wiig, Annette Bening, Matt Dillon and Darren Chriss.

Healing factor:

3 out of 5 Hermit Crabs.

For more info on the movie: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1698648/

Broken Flowers

Why is it relevant? 

Break up movie, portrayal of post-breakup depression and loss, journey of self-discovery. Kick-ass soundtrack. 

The movie follows former lothario Don Johnston (Don Juan, sometimes this movie is just a little heavy-handed), at a pivotal point in his life when he is dumped and falls into obvious deep depression. This movie relies on beautiful, subtle humour, odd synchronicity, and makes no attempt to hide Don’s deeply disquiet soul. The soundtrack, featuring the music of Mulatu Astatke, adds a haunting vibe to the movie that really gets under the skin. 

The movie plays in six acts. First act covers his break up which coincides with the receipt of a mysterious anonymous letter which reveals that he is a father of a now 19 year old son. His best friend convinces him to list all the women that he remembers being with at the time. Don’s list includes five women. His friend does some detective work and discovers that one of the women has subsequently died and therefore could not be the author of the letter. The remainder of the movie is divided amongst his encounters with the four other women and his visit to the grave site to his deceased former love. The title alludes to these women, for whom life has not necessarily been kind following his departure from their lives. Sometimes the damage arose from what he wrought, in others, from circumstance and time. The movie travels deeper and deeper down the hole of emotion as his encounters deteriorate from the first fond and happy trip down memory lane to his final brief and violent encounter.  His quest at first glance may appear to be to find his son and who wrote the letter, but really he answers questions about himself, his impact on others and his place in the world.

This movie is a quintessential road trip movie. The protagonist’s former lovers live spread out across the continental US and he is required to fly and then drive to each of their remote locations. Frequently, shots show his side mirrors in sharp contrast to a more blurry destination ahead on twisty, bending roads, highlighting his uncertainty of what lies ahead of him. Trucks pass him with ominous speed, adding an edge of danger to his quest. 

While it hasn’t been something that I have done, is there really no better way to recover from a breakup than hitting the road? Roadtrips provide a very concrete division in life from what came before and after a relationship as well as removing one temporarily from the scenes and places of all that unhappiness. As well, for Don, it is a more concrete, actual trip down memory lane, mirroring the nostalgia that many feel for former loves after experiencing a breakup. Don takes this trip and is able to answer questions for himself as to what happened to these women and what might have been. 

Favourite quote: 

“I’m a stalker in a Taurus.” - Don Johnston (Bill Murray) 

Healing Factor: 

4 out of 5 Pink Flowers.

Broken Flowers, 2005.  Directed by Jim Jarmusch.  Bill Murray, Jeffrey Wright, Sharon Stone, Frances Conroy, Jessica Lange, Tilda Swinton, Julie Delpy.  Focus Films

For more info on the movie: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0412019/

For your listening pleasure: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JhHmK68r948